The dictionary describes hope as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” However, “in the Bible hope is the confident expectation of what God has promised and its strength is in His faithfulness” (onlinelibrary.wiley.com).
I’ve been in the valley this week or at least am catching a glimpse of it. Perspective right? I do not know how others get through their valley’s without God. My descent further into the valley occurred with a visit to the emergency room for difficulty breathing. My hope was to find relief from the discomfort, but instead I left with more questions than answers. No relief but a recommendation to follow up with my doctor.
The following day I call hematology to understand the reason for an embolism when I’ve been on blood thinners and numbers are all within range. No solid answers there either, but deferred to Cardiologist.
Ok, so naturally I call the cardiologist only to find he is on nights the rest of the week, but all information is being forwarded to him. He will get back to me.
Two days have gone by without a call back and now heading into the weekend. I sit with anxiety that nips at the mind like a poorly trained dog nipping at one’s heels and a list of unanswered questions hang heavy, desperately needing to be cut loose.
Monday has arrived. I call the doctor’s office only to get a message stating they are closed today. Wait – what? Is it a holiday? Noooo…..why are they closed? Who cares really. It is irrelevant at this point.
I can leave a message with the on call doctor. Well, I’m thinking – that will probably just get me redirected to the primary doctor. It’s as if I’m driving on a rotary. Do valleys have rotary’s?
The on call doctor was kind and empathetic but could only refer me to the original doctor or back to the emergency room if symptoms increased. His apology was sincere, but you know what? I don’t want an apology. Is that ungrateful? It’s nothing personal. I just want to breathe. I want my hope back. I want to know that I will not be facing a lifetime of breathing issues and blood thinners when I am supposed to be improving. I do not want to acclimate to a new level of illness.
I want the medical professionals to understand that I am an individual trying to deal with another blow to an already battered body. I want the doctors to understand that they can at least treat me the way in which they would expect to be treated. I shouldn’t have to fight to get answers. I shouldn’t have to wait five days for a return call and still not receive one. I should not have to wear my already depleted body out to be heard. The medical community is comfortable being dismissive of patients. This patient DID NOT CHOOSE to walk the journey of ER’s, diagnostic testing, medications, complications and chronic illness. That said, you doctor, chose your journey and I would HOPE you have not left your integrity and empathy back at the computer where I am an electronic medical record rather than a human being.
As I stated earlier, I do not know how people walk without God. I only know this; were it not for MY God promising to be with me in these valley’s, I would be without hope.
There in lies my hope, pushing me towards greater faith in the valley.