Here it is 2:52 a.m. and I am unable to sleep, all turned around from the day. I had taken an anti-nausea med the night before and that usually knocks me out for hours. However, insomnia and I have an intimate relationship and it does not take much to reunite us. In the wee hours of this morning it is not only my schedule interfering, but my thoughts. Interestingly enough they are not racing; it is more as if they are milling about. Meandering through various neighborhoods chatting away. The rotator cuff tear wonders how that has even occurred when physical activity has been limited due to the myasthenia gravis. Has the myasthenia gravis weakened the muscles so that it has jeopardized the inner workings? Who do you turn to for such answers when so little is known about such a disease? Is there a correlation? I’ve yet to find information online. Will I be able to move forward with my IVIg treatments after shoulder surgery if the shoulder has to be immobilized? Will surgery trigger my symptoms? I know the pain and the stress of the pain has.
As we wander aimlessly to the next street, the thyroid wants to know what is going on with the cells and the numbers and the nodule? Were the numbers a fluke? The endocrine system wants to know why things continue to grow in various systems yet appear to be gray? Nothing definitive, on the watch list? Thankful yes….weary….yes…..learning patience, potential body scan in the future if the numbers are the same.
When we meander further we catch up with grace; recognizing God’s grace and mercy. Knowing all too well that things could be so much worse. Understanding that daily pain can be worked through with the right doctors (if they would return calls), and although somethings have no cure there are treatments, though rather rough – treatments none the less, there are surgeries for the others, and medications to assist – if doctors would stop treating everyone as if they were all drug addicts. We have now gone to the opposite end of the spectrum in management of pain due to drug addiction. I’d be lying if I said I wondered if I had done something wrong in the eyes of God, and no I don’t believe for a moment it is because I am gay. The Bible tells us suffering is to be expected for any of the following reasons; to train us in obedience, produce patience, prevent pride, teach His ways, prepare us to comfort others, and to prove us (develop our strength and character). I am not certain which of these He is working on, but I do know my faith has grown stronger, despite an overall feeling of weariness.
Regardless, I suppose it will be interesting to see where God takes all of this and how I can use it to help others. That is what it’s about right? Helping others….serving others, making our mess our message as Maya Angelou once said.
1/10/2017 Deb Correia ©